Thursday, July 26, 2007 | 9:27 AM | 0 Comments
Let me aware y0u that, this g0nna be super l0ng..
( makes me laugh wen i t0t abt hw l0ng i t00k t0 write this p0st. t0 be exact : 3 days. l0lx! )
yea baby.. i aint g0nna be the sweet little gal u n0e f0r years 0r m0nths 0r days 0r yday.. realised smth strange abt mua? 1st, i lessen my t0kings.. n0w i say im n0t g0nna be like bef0re? is Naz g0ing crazy 0r shes t00 stress as she d0esnt understand a shit abt her studies? My behavi0ur has arised qns in many's pea brains. yea i n0e, truth hurts..
Gals, if u happen t0 decide t0 fall in l0ve, g0 get a guy wh0s years 0lder. n0t t00 0ld as mine! ur aged gr0up fellas will hv the same mentality as u.. get a basket, settle with him, and st0p changing guys like changing ur smelly pink underwears.. dump him f0r the slightest and silliest reas0ns. be in his damn sh0es bef0re u say tt. tink 0f hw u'll feel if ur guy said this t0 u. Lucky i dun hv any friends wh0 are after pleasure 0NLY. im pr0ud 0f u bitches.
dun ask me why im saying l0ts 0f bad bad w0rds. like i said, i aint g0nna be ur sweet gal. well i'll la.. it runs in my bl00d u see.. th0ugh its hard t0 be cruel.. i've t0 jus d0 it.. n0t f0r the sake 0f th0se arnd me.. but f0r myself. i w0nt be cruel t0 th0se wh0're sweet t0 me.. tts ridiculous, ludicrous , absurd wadever u wan t0 call it.. N0 im n0t int0 any v0cabulary class. these w0rds.. jus happen t0.. appear in the c0rner 0f my futile brain.. its been years since i've chatted, typed, blogged, wr0te 0r c0nverse using all these great big w0rds. i st0pped using dem 0ften since i left Sec. Sch.
hmph.. where was i? 0h ya.. abt being a "cruel" gal.. aiya... wad i really meant was i jus wanna n0e wad i want in life and w0rk t0wards it. i d0wan t0 r0am ar0und aimlessly. th0ugh i n0e wad i wad.. to some extent.. i aint like sitting d0wn n wrking t0wards it. im m0re likely relying 0n fate t0 bring me ar0und.
its like.. im hungry.. theres f00d infr0nt 0f me. im jus l00king at them, waiting f0r dem t0 get int0 my m0uth den t0 st0mach.
( i n0e tis g0t nth t0 d0 with cruel. l0lx. i jus wanna limit myself.. t0k wen necessary n stuff.. its hard th0ugh.. c0s i aint a quiet gal.. been a chatty gal since y0ung, i WONT be able t0 adapt a new change.. but i've t00.. aft l00king at my Prince.. u might n0t understand it n0w.. maybe s0mewhere d0wn the r0ad, u guys will understand my reas0n f0r tis.. )
i very well n0e im wasting my time 0n nth in particular. i've frens wh0m i can learn fr0m. the pr0bs they tell me, are less0ns taught indirectly. th0ugh i learnt them, i fail t0 apply in my 0wn life.
im trying t0 be s0me0ne in life, n0t t0 the w0rld, but at least am0ng my family, relatives, family friends, friends, and 0ther cl0sed ppl wh0 dun bel0ng t0 these caterg0ries i menti0ned.
i'll m0re den pleased if at least 0ne 0f dem help me during my sudden change.. be mindful its n0t a hasty change. d0 any0ne understand wad im trying t0 say? i guess n0t. c0s life's n0t g0nna be easy 0n u and im c0mplicated. if i cant understand myself, leave al0ne u.
leave me al0ne f0r awhile, my mind will drift away.. thinking either abt the past or the future. usually, i'll end the day by jus thinking n0t by putting my f00t in it.
i dun care abt 0thers say and t0k abt me. 0nli i n0e myself best. my family r0ughly g0t the idea, hw their little gal is like. same g0es t0 my frens. frankly speaking, 0nli 2 0ut 0f billi0n, trilli0n ppl in this w0rld n0es damn well abt me. My Prince and My Best Friend.
the 0ld f0lks used t0 say, " ur character will be the same as the gr0up 0f friends u mix with ". i've vari0us grp 0f ppl as my frens. t00 much t0 elab0rate. t0 say a few, i n0e grps 0f childish ppl, grps 0f determined ppl, grps 0f i-dun-care-abt-my-future ppl, grps 0f this-is-wad-i-wan-and-wan-to-be-in-future ppl. due t0 my friendliness, i adapt t0 wadever grps im in. im n0t saying these grps are bad.. n0r gd. everything we d0 hv pr0s and c0ns. im damn c0ntented tt the 2 wh0 n0es me best, are in grps 0f this-is-wad-i-wan-and-wan-to-be-in-future ppl. they n0e wad lies infr0nt 0f dem, and wrking hard t0wards it. =)
i dun0.. maybe th0se in the diff grps are like this.. n0es wad they wan. c0s t0 wad i n0e, they've been like these since the day i n0e dem. s0, dun blame me wen u argue wit me saying, "hey! i n0e wad i want la.. u nv ask s0 i nv tell la ". i jus cant be b0thered. wen making frens wit me, i'll l00k at hw u t0k n behave wit me and i'll resp0nd exactly like hw u're. i dun g0 arnd making frens f0r the sake 0f having frens. its whether u hv a purpose in my life. yea true, smtimes wen i cant av0id but make frens with strangers.. but s0me hv made a spark in my life, by making me laugh n stuffs.. tts c0mm0n. i d0wan t0 act as if im s0 stuck up and 0ut 0f n0where i wanna be tis n tt n stuffs.. frankly, i prefer witty ppl. they suit my taste.
i decided t0 add a few m0re points in my "List 0f Principles".. wad i say here might be reas0nable and p0intless.. i jus str0ngly believe in, "theres always a 1st time"
( 0k tt t0talli didnt make sense )
wen i t0ld my primary sch00l fren, vishalini abt wad im g0nna g0 thru, she said, im brave enuff t0 kindle my life. amend it t0 either gd 0r bad. th0se arnd my age, dare n0t d0 tis kinda changes, as they're scared they cant accept it 0r wrk al0ng wit it. she was indeed very supp0rtive.
seri0usly speaking i've enuff 0f caring f0r ppl wh0 dun give a damn abt me. i dun expect anything in return. i jus wanted respect frm u. tts all.
im very well aware that, im drifting 0ff frm the wad im g0nna be part. like i said, leave me al0ne, and i'll start thinking. like wise, gimme a paper, 0r an empty space, i'll be writing these thinking 0r m0re den tt like tis..
im used t0 keep stuff t0 myself, unless f0rce t0 say. i actually feel, free.. and easy t0 p0ur everything here 0r 0n the ppr 0r anywhere.. every0ne has their way rite.. th0ugh im easy with presenting myself infr0nt 0f ppl with s0me research i've d0ne, its difficult f0r me t0 express my damn feelings.. u cant blame me.. can u? i've realised alm0st all gals are like this.. d0wan t0 0pen up. but they are s0me gals wh0 d0es. they dare t0..
My inspirati0n will always be my Prince. every0ne wh0 n0es my attached, t0ld me tt i've changed al0t aft being with him. s0me even ask if i change s0 tt i can b suitable f0r him 0r changed c0s he t0ld me t0. i changed c0s wadeva he said made sense and with0ut any0nes' f0rcings. he didnt f0rce me t0 change. he t0ld me t0 tink abt it. if i find wadever he said is wr0ng 0r unreas0nable, he t0ld me t0 v0ice 0ut and c0rrect him. but M0ST 0F THE TIME, he'll be right.
he t0ld me t0 get the best 0ut 0f a small thing. he made me realise wad life's abt. we're barely a year t0gether but he made me change s0 much, intenti0nally 0r unintenti0nally.. i l0ve hearing him t0k abt hw he feels, abt his plans, abt wad hes g0nna d0. c0S all these makes me think. n0t bec0s, i wanna hv the same interest as him 0r hv the same taste n stuff. we dun hv the major aspect as the same. the maj0r aspect is wad we want f0r 0ur future. he wans t0 be s0me0ne in music field. i wanna be s0me0ne in teaching path.. jus tt he st0le my idea 0f teaching musics as a part time tuiti0n during the evenings 0r smth. i cant be angry with tis. wh0 is he? my life partner (if g0d permits)
i can say, tt i've changed mainly bc0s 0f him. he went thru my age. he made me think like a gal arnd his age. wad matters m0st is, he made me matured. he called me lady wen the rest called me gal. he called me wife, 0n the very 1st day 0f relati0nship. we've been behaving like 0ne, since den. wad w0rries me is, i dun0 wad will bec0me 0f me, if i dun get him.. wad if my parents dun accept him. wen if has t0 get married 1st? al0t 0f qns.. unanswered.
he d0esnt hv answers f0r dem. neither d0 i. its difficult. we are living happily n0w, still bf n gf, still husband n wife trying t0 keep the t0t 0f wad will i or he d0 if we dun get t0gether . giving it up t0 g0d. let g0d bring us. 0nli HE n0es wheres 0ur destinati0n. wh0 n0es, i might die tmr.. 0r t0day.. 0r aft p0sting 0f bl0g.. 0r in a sec0nd? scary huh!
n0 w0nder, g0d d0esnt tell any0ne, wen we're g0nna die.. c0s ur living days will be like hell if u n0e tt ur death is nearing. g0d is really great! (Alhamduillah) i believe all g0d are 0ne. but due t0 0ur ancest0rs n their st0ries. we belief in diff g0ds. tis is a sensitive t0pic. d0wan t0k abt it. reminds me 0f me n prabz t0king abt it. we had difficulty pr0ving each 0ther tt mine 0r his g0d is the real 0ne. but tt t0pic didnt r0ck 0ur relati0nship! =)
Prince last last last week t0ld me.. tt he deleted many fr0m his friendster and msn wh0 he t0t he was friends with. he didnt n0e anyting abt dem either. and als0 deleted th0se wh0 he thinks they dun deserve his friendship f0r s0me pers0nal reas0ns.. dun try asking me wads tt, i w0nt tell u.. c0s its PERS0NAL. =)
wen he said tt.. i rmbered a bullentin in friendster.. saying abt wads the use 0f having 1000 friends in ur acc0unt.. n stuff.. i've 2 acc0unts n0w.. why? f0r wad? am i tt p0pular? d0 i hv the l00ks? d0 i hv the character ppl like? jus a next d00r gal.. trying t0 hv fun am0ng her frens.. i wen thru all the ppl in these 2 acc0unts.. and realise i dun0 alm0st 684 0ut 0f 784.. i d0ubt the 100 remaining. why am i having a friendster? 1st, i wanna mk frens.. 0nline buddies is the main reas0n.. 2ndly.. why aft a yr 0r s0, i secured my acc0unt? t0 "onli viewed by friends" the rest cann0t see wad.. d0 i wanna mk frens? n0! i jus wan t0 get int0uch wit th0se i n0e and are missing. s0 wen they see my pr0file they n0e its me. but they cant view my pr0file c0s its in 3rd deg. s0 since they viewed mine, i'll view theres, if they are s0me0ne i n0e, i'll add.. if n0t dun ask me t0 d0 the kind deeds.. i rejected a handful 0f th0se wh0 asked t0 add dem.. f0r wad sia? they'll jus b in the acc0unt. tts it.. i n0e n0 shit abt dem. finally i decided t0 delete th0se wh0 i dun0.. in my 2nd acc0unt 0nli i hv 268 frens.. deleted frm 300 plus.. theres m0re t0 delelte.. hey 784 ppl are quite al0t le..sg aint tt big h0r. same g0es in my msn.. same i jus del. s0me i bl0cked n del. s0 if u happen t0 see me 0nline, with0ut my dp.. tt means u're deleted. s0 with0ut me saying, jus stay away frm me.. its n0t c0s 0f Prince i deleted or c0s he is p0ssesive 0r he 0s0 deleted s0me.. like i said, he makes me think.. he makes me make my 0wn decisi0n. and i'll tell him wads my decisi0n.. my th0ughts.. my attitude t0wards tis n tt pers0n. and he'll guide me... in fact.. sc0lds me if i did smth wr0ng.. he d0esnt say in a very sayang-tic t0ne.. he'll be like.. enna la why u d0 like tis la.. blah blah blah.. den if i realise my mistake.. den he'll start saying in a nice way.. tt i shld hv d0ne like tis n tt..
hes a different character c0mpared t0 my best friend. i like their characters.. i can be like him.. 0r him.. f0llow his way 0r his way.. think like him 0r him.. i g0t a ch0ice.. and its wad i wanna ch00se. n0b0dy is f0rcing me anyting. im d0ing everything in my 0wn will..
hmmm.. many asked me why i didnt update my bl0g abt wad happen tt day but t0k abt 0ur stuffs... well, its n0t necessary f0r me t0 say wad happen everyday rite.. my life currently has bec0me a time table. sch, tuiti0n, eat, slp. tts all.. if theres smth interesting, 0f c0s i wld write. but isnt interesting as my gang are away f0r attachment. s0 its jus me n myself n my lapt0p everyday, th0ugh i've my classmates..
ask every0ne wh0m u n0e, wh0 n0es abt me.. they'd say Naz is acting strange f0r wh0le 0f last week.. and this week, the strangeness is c0ntinueing.. haha.. n0t strange lah.. jus trying t0 create a new me, finding 0ut wad is the gd n bad side if the new me n stuffs..
u'll be still w0ndering, hw c0me i didnt say wad i wan in life.. n t0 wad i've changing 0r changed t0.. wenever i t0k abt smth, an0ther ting c0mes up.. n i start t0 drift.. den i'll c0me bk.. the cycle g0es 0n. u can say im kinda l0ng winded.. but im jus afraid ppl might think 0f me differently.. n0t as hw i am. but again, i was t0ld, n0t t0 the afraid 0f anyting except g0d..
i jus w0nder, why my parents n0r my br0thers, sit d0wn with me and c0rrect me.. 0r say d0 things tis way.. think like tis n like tt.. i mean, they're my family.. they've been thru wit me in every aspect 0f my life. den.. why? maybe c0s, my parents t0t i can learn by l00king abt my elder br0. but n0t all child has the same mentality.. relatives i n0e said i've bec0ming m0re like my br0.. thinking wise.. quietness.. etc. they used t0 say.. banu ma.. u're happy g0 lucky gal la.. dun hv t0 tink abt anyting.. always happy.. n0 need t0 see u sad.. everyting given.. always toking n toking.. den n0w they see me quiet.. they sense smth was wrong.. and wen i assured tt im fine.. they dowan t0 buy tt answer..
okok im drifting 0ff.. i jus l0ve typing n typing.. hehe! aiya......
im jus uncertain abt myself..
right n0w.. right tis m0ment.. frm where im sitting.. i see a grp of ppl.. 2 indian gals, 1 indian guy, 1 mly guy.. all the 3 are freshies.. except tt indian guy.. i tot he was a yr 3.. but he mixing wit tis ppl? not my prob anywhere.. its Prince's fren 0s0.. anyway.. tt guy n 0ne 0f the indian gals are c0uples.. they all are sitting t0gether.. tt guy teaching his gal s0me maths.. hes sitting cl0se t0 his gal.. with an0ther indian gal n the mly guy infr0nt 0f den.. i mean 0pp0site.. suddenly it started t0 drizzle.. the gal st00d up.. n wen under the rain.. den tt indian guy f0ll0wed her gal.. like tamil padam sia.. den tt guy hugged her in the rain.. f0r abt 10 mins.. den it started t0 rain heavily.. den tt guy pulled the gal under a nearby shelter. held her hands.. and was abt t0 bring her s0mem0re.. wen the mly guy called.. " hey 5 mins wrk 0nli u n0e.. c0s 0f u will be 1 hr wrk sia.. c0me la.. " den tt ind fella said.. wait wait.. 1 min 1 min held her hands n wen away frm sight.. den come back in 3 mins.. gal was smiling.. c0nfirm he kissed her under the rain.. =) im s0 happy f0r dem..
den i smiled.. i l00ked at the gal n smiled.. she didnt see me.. c0s.. i've experienced tis many times.. n0t kissing under the rain.. but.. telling the frens.. eh eh wait 1 min 1min.. den will pull me al0ng wit him.. n kiss me.. =) be it in sch00l or his hse.. i like it wen its in his hse.. every0ne will be in the hall watching tv or wadever.. he'll g0 t0 his r00m.. den he'll call 0ut, " maaaaaaa! c0me here " den i'll be like.. aiyaaaaa wad u wannn... den g0 in the r00m edi.. his head will be always inside a cl0set.. den he'll say.. tk f0r me my hp.. i'll be like -.- cant u tk urself.. den i tk n give ah.. he'll pull in towards the cl0set.. wit me n him hiding behind the d00r 0f the cl0set kissing.. w0000000h000! s0metimes he cant hide his urge 0f kissing me.. s0mehw will call me.. haha! and the way he kiss.. 0MG.. i feel s0 heavenly... haha..
i sure d0 miss him..... TERRIBLY..
but den ah.. n0 matter hw i hard i try t0 be quiet.. i CANT! arrrghh! laughing and j0king with frens all.. but at h0me.. im t0 myself.. i'll l0ck myself in my r00m.. either 0n the c0mp 0r buried in a b00k. i've been like tis since sec 5. until my seni0r lecturer called my hse, m0m picked up n tt fella c0mplained t0 m0m tt im w0rrying t00 much abt nth in particular.. n m0m happen t0 say.. th0ugh shes happy 0utside, she has been keeping her w0rries n pr0bs t0 herself.. tts wad my lecturer said.. i was like.. 0h.. s0 m0m n0es tt im keeping things away?
aiy0..
i was reminded by my guy yday.. tt he was a twin.. he t0ld me 0nce last yr.. but i 4g0t.. his name will 0nli be used, unless hes a twin.. g0t 0ne 0ld lady t0ld me tis l0ngggggg time ag0.. n he 0s0 said.. but s0me still use it dun care twin 0r n0t..
his name will be always paired up with, Hussein.. tt will be his twin's name.. s0 its, Asan (m0re t0 Hassan) and Hussein.. but sadly, his br0 died aft giving birth.. he survived.. and i t0ld him i'll suffer if he has a twin! l0lx! weird sia.. 2 fellas 0f the same face.. 0ne is ur guy. arhh! i asked him.. wad if ur br0 was alive.. and he said, they'll share the same interest. playing musics t0gether.. enj0ying each 0ther's c0mpany.. w0rking and studying t0gether.. having the same frens.. i t0ld him smth tt made me sad.. tt is, "den, i wldnt be in ur life.. c0s.. since u hv the same everyting.. rmb, hw i g0t t0 n0e u.. thru tt prank call.. muza n benz wldnt hv given ur number.. since the 2 0f u hv the same character n all.. and im very sure, u w0nt hang 0n the f0ne l0ng.. since u 2 will be like best frens.." i mean.. its true isnt it.. he t0ld me he was glad tt it didnt happen tt way.. but he wished his br0 was alive.. tt means, he wan me n his br0.. haha.. it might n0t happen n might happen....
july 26 t0 dec 26 is like 5 mths.. i've waited like m0re den 3 mths.. s0 5 mths isnt a big thing f0r me.. but i l0ng t0 see him.. hug him.. haiz! argh... i dun mind if i dun get t0 t0k t0 him 0r hug him.. if i cld see him frm far.. i'ld be very very happy...
i n0e tt im drifting away.. n0w i dun0 wad im t0king abt.. jus p0uring 0ut wadever tt c0mes t0 mind..
0h ya.. im having fever f0r the past 7 days! ACHIEVEMENT! hmm.. n0 0ne in family n0es.. sch00l mates n0e.. rahima n0es.. Prince n0es.. they t0ld me t0 g0 d0c n stuff.. i said nvm la.. i'll g0 ltr la.. tis la tt la.. but t00k panad0l everyday.. until yday.. called Prince wen i was 0n the way h0me.. he asked hws my fever.. den i said.. wen i walk i feel kinda dizzy.. he asked me f0r my temp in the m0rning n n0w.. i said.. n he was kinda pissed.. t0ld me t0 g0 d0c.. i said d0wan.. ltr they put injecti0n.. i damn damn scared 0f 00si.. n i d0wan any pain.. but medicine 0s0 i w0nt eat.. s0 n0 p0int in g0ing ... i was telling half way wen i was interrupted by.. " MA! WILL U LISTEN T0 ME.. IM ASKING U T0 D0C C0S I D0WAN U T0 SUFFER BY HAVING DIZZYNESS.. DEN C0ME N TELL ME TT U FEEL WEAK N N0 M00D T0 EAT N ALL.. I WAN T0 SEE U HEALTHY.. I WAN T0 SEE U HAPPY.. IF U REALLY REALLY REALLY L0VE ME, G0 N SEE THE D0C N0W.. I REALLY L0VE U AL0T TTS WHY I CARE ABT U LA PANDI! " i didnt n0e whether t0 laugh 0r d0 wad.. s0 anyway i went..
was t0ld t0 call him back until i came h0me frm the d0cs.. i called.. at the wrong time.. he asked if i wen t0 doc.. n wad he said.. n said he was seeing a man n will be leaving shortly, n will gimme miss call.. n i'll call him... i noe his shortly is actualli like 1 hr plus.. s0.. yea.. i was sick.. t00k medi.. n i slpt.. hp vibrated under my pill0w.. n i still slpt.. guess he waiting l0ng.. he always wait l0ng l0ng for my calls.. w0ke up at 5am.. see 3 miss calls.. didnt call c0s i'd wake him up.. s0.. called him t0day at 6.. he said, he was busy.. n said he'll miss call me s00n.. n n0w is 8.42pm.. still haven call.. but the way he said he was busy was soooooo niceee.. " ma.. i n0w very busy da.. i'll miss call u s00n k da.. ur fever ok edi ma? tk medicine k ya da.. i'll call u s00n.. " i was 0n the 9th cl0ud..
an0ther ting is.. my 1st acc0unt in friendster g0t hacked.. changed int0 tis..
Male 47 single
all my fav0urite t0 interest has been changed int0 : Harry Potter.
i jus infact laughing wen i saw harry potter.. i hate harry potter.. n i wr0te tis in the bullentin
f0r the pers0n wh0 hacked int0 my 1st acc0unt:
did u had fun? im least b0thered abty0u.. but if u wanna change myparticulars 0r wadever.. kindly tell me.. i w0nt d0 much with ya.. jus be p0lite. hack int0 my acc0unt f0r hw much u wan.. i cant be b0thered. i guess ur Harry Potter is ur fav0urite since u changed my fav b00ks t0 interest t0 Harry Potter. gd j0b th0ugh. u made me laugh..if u're unaware, i've an0ther acc0unt. tts Princess II. why dun u g0 hack int0 tt acc0unt t00? u'll be satisfied rite? g0 ahead & d0 wadever u wan.. thx f0r making me laugh with the Harry Potter thingy.. i'll buy u all the 7 b00ks k?
they didnt change the abt me part.. wth.. wanna hack.. hack pr0perly la.. naansense..
i shall st0p my bl0g here.. hehe! l0ng leh..
thx f0r wasting like 15 t0 30 mins..
♥ TrappedButterfly
